Love, trust, humility and respect

Love. It's a motherfucker for real.

When you're deep in it all you can think of is the subject of your devotion. The world could be exploding around you and damned if you're not just lost in the deepest bluest eyes you have ever had the privilege of exploring. Shivers and the likes.

I've paddled on lakes and played in streams. Cavorted in creeks and floated down rivers but none can match how utterly gigantic this new found body of water is. And with this discovery comes a new found sense of worry. Regardless of the sheer beauty of the water I'm genuinely concerned. Not so much about the motion of the current that pulls me but more about what I may have brought with me into this paradise.

My insecurities. The sharks skirting back and forth underneath me, poking and prodding at my feet. Testing the readiness of their meal. Always waiting for the toothy beasts to grab a hold of me and drag me into the murky depths. The worst part is I'm aware of their presence but rather then float calmly on the surface to remain intact I flail like a wounded porpoise, engaging their natural instinct to kill. My very will to survive should kick in but yet...nothing. As I'm dragged deeper I bear witness to all the things that I pretend never existed yet are still very real and very present. A lack of self-esteem and trust. A sense of overwhelming anxiety, tightness in my chest, numbing of the extremities. Bright lights skewing my view of the blue eyes that I was swimming in just moments earlier. Now instead of a leisurely dip in the most wonderful body of water I could imagine, I'm in a fight for my senses that even I can't seem to control.

When the bearer of said eyes, mentioned earlier, questions or focuses in on any one of my insecurities...I fall to pieces. My defense is to beat my chest and hold my penis like I'm wielding some sort of futuristic weapon with which the whole world should bow to my infinite power. Rather then listen or engage in what always seems to be a rather reasonable discussion I veto it all with a grunt and an uncalled for remark. After realizing I've made a mistake, I then try to defend it instead of listen. Follow that up with a four hour conversation that gets us back to the spot we should of been earlier ie. reasonable discussion. Very frustrating, very young.

I can let the sharks get me if I'm the one inviting them for a taste, because I do it so often, but when an outside party enters the smorgasbord not even to attack but to observe I turn defensive and lash out. Wherever the blows may land. All in all though I'm learning how to navigate these waters, cherish them for their beauty, trust them with my life and respect them for their sheer terrifying power. Love, it's a motherfucker.

In the words of Dante Terrell Smith-Bey: I ain't no perfect man. I'm just trying to do the best that I can with what it is I have.

It sounds better crooned with a light jazz sound-scape behind it but whatever you get my point. I'm working on it for realsies. We're all human, we all got little intricacies and we all got shit we should be working on. Long as you know that and keep up the struggle and don't let the sharks pull you too far under you're doing alright.

Go for the eyes, those fuckers hate that.

Cheers